Written by

Suzie Eisfelder
September 30, 2014

My tiles! My tiles! They’re ripping them off and throwing them into the Loch. Oh, my tiles!

The indignity of it all. My roof has been subjected to so many repairs recently and finally the family have abandoned me to stay in that new upstart of a hotel. I was carefully constructed to last a millenia 700 years ago, I am worthy of the title Castle, the Strega-Borgias should not be abandoning me to live in that ‘hotel’; it’s so new it’s an outrage. I’ve been left with two rats and a spider to look after me and ensure nobody ravages me. Pillage and looting have been a worry all my time and I can not stop now.

As it turns out I was right to be worried. Those dreadful men came through in the dead of night, ripped off my roof tiles and threw them into the Loch. I trust they missed Nessie, he has long been a friend to me and it would be dreadful if he were to be harmed.

They called each other Ffion and Hugh, upstarts both of them. They came to see me and instead of talking to me properly with regard for my feelings and my age they ignored me instead talking about razing me to the ground. I was right to be worried, nothing has changed over the centuries pillaging and looting still happen. Tarantella watched them and did nothing. Why did the Strega-Borgias abandon me to live in that monstrous creation?

And that day they came back they still did nothing just bemoaned their fate at having to live in a small cottage. How could they stand there and not defend me? A man’s home is his castle but I am more than just a home I am a CASTLE! I’ve been their home and castle for centuries and they repay me by bidding farewell! How dare they!!

Finally, the children came back…the beasts came back. Sab was a big help. He took those two ‘humans’ and dropped them through what was left of my roof…weak humans didn’t survive the fall…can’t say I care much. Things happened much faster after that. Those beasts know how to treat a castle, they brought my tiles back from the Loch and had them installed back in their rightful place before I could complain to them. The family moved back in, the police removed those ‘humans’ and everything was right.

Pure Dead Wicked by Debi Gliori
Pure Dead Wicked by Debi Gliori

Ed: I could only find an ecopy of this book for you to buy but you might find it at the library.

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